You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
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Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.