I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
You Might Also Like
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.