Worst bar ever.
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So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.