My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
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My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
True
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
[montage of me giving-up]
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.