I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
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The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Comparing yourself to others
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
“No way.” -Jose
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.