Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
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I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!