[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
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Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness