before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
You Might Also Like
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.