Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
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Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery