We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
You Might Also Like
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
My Guy
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.