My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
You Might Also Like
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.