my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
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It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it鈥檚 a scam
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I鈥檓 going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Yo. I spit out my drink 馃槀
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Well, shit
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Remember folks 馃槀
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn鈥檛 distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can鈥檛 wait to celebrate our love with you!
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.