How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
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the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes