Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
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People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.