ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
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the three branches of government
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]