me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
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this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
My dad is at it again
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
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