me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
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My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
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{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.