Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
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I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
wtf is a larm clock?
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you