To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
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In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Stop it! 😂