@TheAndrewNadeau VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
@shutupmikeginn “Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
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@TheAndrewNadeau 
@causticbob A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
@SteveSuckington [high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
@daddygofish Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
@DearAuntAbby I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
@NoTheOtherJohn ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
@AllenaC Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
@Bizarro_Mark I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
@peachesanscream Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
@ChefRonSullivan My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.