“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

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VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!


A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”


[high school]

Teacher: do u have your homework?

Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night


Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.


I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged


ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print


I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.


My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.