“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
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Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
umm…
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O