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wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.