Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
You Might Also Like
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.