HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
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the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern