Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
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I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.