A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
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my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.