I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
You Might Also Like
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
The best plant holders?
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.