I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
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Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
The three genders
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday