I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

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i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it


mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day


Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers


Me: please tell me my future, madame

Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’

Me: awesome

Palm reader: in sharpie

Me: yeah

Palm reader: you’re going to die alone


*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*


Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today


Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.