@CatherineLMK

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

You Might Also Like

@cellapaz

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

@scootergonscoot

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

@dannyboy7813

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

@kidnapped_jesus

Me: please tell me my future, madame

Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’

Me: awesome

Palm reader: in sharpie

Me: yeah

Palm reader: you’re going to die alone

@

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

@Matt_The_1st

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

@Book_Krazy

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.