Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
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a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate