I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
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me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
bugs when you lift up a rock
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.