Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
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Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.