People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
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that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.