At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
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Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.