that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
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I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
But is it really??
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv