WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
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Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Room with a view.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or