When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
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When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Sing it!
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Broom by every window for quick escape.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.