When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

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My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.


Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.


Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.


Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.


They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…

Will boys ever get pants right!?


Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.


I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.


My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”


I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.


If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.