@DurtMcHurtt

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

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@robdelaney

My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.

@shanethevein

Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.

@juicymorsel

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

@DurtMcHurtt

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

@TrophyCatas

They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…

Will boys ever get pants right!?

@weathrgirlmarge

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

@chrisdelia

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

@DatManGood

My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”

@AngieDavisHaha

I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.

@bazecraze

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.