I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
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me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Just this preview of the story is enough
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.