Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
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*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.