My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
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WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
me 2 months after i graduated
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.