My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
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If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Hard not to take this personally
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.