My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
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he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
It’s an epidemic…
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Comparing yourself to others
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
What is going on? 😅
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?