“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
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I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.