Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
You Might Also Like
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800