MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
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principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive