MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
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[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
I laughed at this way too hard.