If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
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Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Liquor Store Parking
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great