Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
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My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
United Steaks of America
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting