I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
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lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.