me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
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Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble