Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
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whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
i’m sure it’s fine
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three