Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god

(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense

*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.

Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?

me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison

what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.

I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.