I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
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I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
birds and squirrels envy us
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Look at this
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.