i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
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If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I want what they have
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.