Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
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Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Natural selection at its finest
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth